In the Summer of 1999, I fell in love with Super Smash Bros. Actually, it was more of an addiction than an affair. It’s hard to describe the high of being an animate marshmallow baby suplexing a furry space pilot into a cartoon bomb, but the feeling had me hooked.

Super. Craaaaaaack. Broooooooooooothers!

My addition grew worse when Melee came out. I played for hours. Days. I unlocked Mewtwo in a weekend. When Brawl came out, I brought a Wii just to continue chasing the dragon. I was the first person in Queens to perform a Final Smash (Kirby’s, of course).

But now with a new Smash Bros. game out and one more incoming, I’ve gone from addict to apathetic. Here’s why I’m not excited about Super Smash Bros. for 3DS and WiiU.

What’s in a Name

Since the announcement of Super Smash Bros. Melee, half of the excitement of awaiting the next installment of Smash Bros. has been speculating on the name. Which synonym for violence will they use this time? Super Smash Bros. Rumble? Ruckus? Beat Down? Bout? Conflict? Chaos? Battle Royale? Redemption? Anarchy? Mayhem? Armageddon? ANYTHING?

Um, what did we all come here to do again? Party? Picnic?

No. Nothing. It must be laziness, but it seems unlikely that between the two development teams working on this game, not one person owned a thesaurus or knew how to Google.

Named sequels can get messy, just ask Rambo (oh, Super Smash Bros. First Blood is a good name too), but at least make a clean break and switch over to numbers, like you did with Mario Kart. Super Smash Bros. 4 sounds good. And then when you tag the system name onto the end of it, you get a free pun. Just naming games after their system was fun in the N64 days, gets less fun when they get ported to other systems, but still keep the “64.” Just call it Star Fox 3DS! And just call this Super Smash Bros. 4, for fucks sake.

Unwelcome Guest Stars

Oh, Namco is developing this game. I wonder, what are the odds that we’ll get a a guest appearance from Pacman?

All respect due, Pacman is an OG of the gaming world (Although technically Ms. Pacman was more successful, so maybe include her. At least as an alternate skin for Pacman, like with Robin. #YesAllWomen), so he has a right to throw down with the greats (Super Smash Bros. Throw Down it’s a good name too). Even more so with Mega Man, who was an early part of Nintendo culture and even a defender of Videoland, but what about all the other first party characters who haven’t made it to the roster yet?

Everyone’s favorite first party character.

Dixie Kong swings into battle. Jodie Summer speeds in. Dark Samus corrupts all. King K. Rule reigns supreme. Ninten psychs out the competition. Samurai Gorath cuts in. Sukapon boots up to kick ass. Urban Fighter punches in. Ridley swoops in for the kill. Conker is ready to fuck shit up.

There are so many lists of characters that the fans what to see join the fray (Oh, Fray! Super Smash Bros. Fray is an awesome name!), but they were passed over for Shulk? With all of these gorgeous androgynous swordsmen in this game, Smash Bros. is starting to turn into Soul Caliber game. We really should not have let Namco near this.

We Want More Weegee!

This game was officially revealed in 2013, otherwise known as the Year of Luigi, so I was hopeful that there would be some major news concerning our favorite second fiddle. But Luigi’s time in the lime light came and went with no announcements. Man, what’s a Mario Brother gotta do to get a little respect around here?

No wonder he’s so pissed.

I love Luigi’s moveset, but he’s been a Mario clone for four games now. Differentiate him from Mario and give him moves based off of Luigi’s Mansion or the Mario & Luigi RPG series. Or replace Dr. Mario with Dr. Luigi, then give Mario a Paper Mario clone with moves from the Mario & Luigi RPG series. Or give me a new character called Mario & Luigi and give them moves from the Mario & Luigi RPG series.

Why the hell does Super Smash Bros. ignore the Mario & Luigi RPG series?

They could at least give Luigi some company. Daisy’s got next. Waluigi wants to party. King Boo is dying to fight. Professor E. Gadd is gonna school you fools. Polterpup is feeling scrappy (Super Smash Bros. Scrap is a terrible, terrible name, but still better than nothing).

I wish I could be more excited about Super Smash Bros. Brawl for 3DS and WiiU, but it’s so obvious that Sakurai sold out and designed this game to sell hardware (3DS and WiiU), software (Xenoblade Chronicles), and peripherals (Gamecube controller adapter and amiibos), at the expense of the fun (no more Ice Climbers or switching characters).

I guess I’ll just wait for the sequel to DreamMix TV World Fighters. Hopefully they finally buff Optimus Prime and bring him up to top-tier.

GAME!
JD