You know what really grinds my gears?
YOU, Capcom. FUCK. YOU.
I've been a loyal fan ever since I picked up “Mega Man” on the Nintendo Entertainment System when I was only 6 years old. I became a paying customer later that same year, the first time I fed a quarter into a “Street Fighter II” arcade cabinet.
Year after year, I've continued to be loyal to you, spending my hard-earned dollars (as well as my mother's) on “Ghouls 'N Ghosts,” “Resident Evil,” “Onimusha,” and many titles in-between. In short, I loved you, Capcom. I’d do anything for you. Even the weird stuff. But lately it seems like all you do is come home at 3 in the morning, reeking of cheap beer, and then throw me on the bed and take what you want, leaving me laying on my stomach, sore and unsatisfied, while you steal cab fare from my wallet.
For example, you release “Marvel Vs. Capcom 3” after making your fans wait over a decade for an equal to “Marvel Vs. Capcom 2”, your undisputed magnum opus. Despite the fact that we know the new roster is sub-standard in comparison to “MvC 2,” we still buy the game, trusting you not to lead your flock astray. Then we play it and realize that not only does the new roster suck, but there are extensive gameplay issues. It's not the successor we were hoping for, but we place our faith in you yet again, expecting you to release DLC that addresses the game's issues. You read all the reviews, watch all this happen, and then a few weeks later publicly announce that there will be no more DLC support. I mean, what the hell, guys? Where's the love?
The question in my mind now is “Why?” Seriously. Why would you release a decade-overdue game in what is essentially a half-finished state, and then refuse to do what you can to get the game up to par? You took out some of the best characters in the franchise and in their place we got complete fuck-ups like She-Hulk and M.O.D.O.K. You refuse to add potentially great characters from games like “Resident Evil” because you're afraid of getting a higher ESRB rating? Seriously? I mean, what did we ever do to you, aside from willingly throw our cash at you? This was a straight-up “fuck you” to the legions of gamers who waited patiently for you guys to get up off your asses and make this game.
On top of all that, you guys cancel promising projects like “Mega Man Universe” and, like the “MvC” franchise, have kept fans waiting over a decade for another installment in the “Mega Man Legends” series. And you hand off “Devil May Cry”, one of your most beloved series, to a second-rate developer like Ninja Theory? For real? I mean, what have they done to make them worthy of such an honor? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. They've done none nothing but make flop after flop, and their best-selling title is nothing but a “God of War” ripoff. Are you serious!!??
And then there's “Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D.” Sweet Jesus, where do I begin with this one? You take a mini-game from “Resident Evil 5” and make that your big 3DS title. A mini-game with no story to speak of. A mini-game that's all action and lacks any of the traits that made “Resident Evil” the premier franchise in the Survival Horror genre. And then you make it so that the game can only support one save file that can never be erased, essentially destroying it's resale/trade-in/rental value and making it so that the game can't be passed between friends. If you want to have the experience of working through all the levels and unlocking all the unlockables yourself, you'll have to buy a brand new copy of the game yourself at the way-too-high price of $39.99. Really, Capcom? Are that just that fucking greedy that you have to try and strangle gamers this way? What's the reason for all this? Too cheap to provide adequate support for your games? Too lazy to make complete ones? Or did you just decide to fuck with us for shits and giggles? As a matter of fact, here's a better question. WHY SHOULD I OR ANY GAMER GIVE YOU ASSHOLES ANOTHER DAMN DIME?
You'd better come up with an answer to that question damn quick, because here's the thing about those grinding gears I mentioned at the beginning of this article: It means the Automatic Profit Machine you guys are convinced you have is about to shut down.