Mario has saved lands, liberated worlds, and rescued galaxies, but there is still one stage that he will never escape: The Friend Zone.

I know that no relationship is perfect, but Mario and Peach are the most dysfunctional couple in video history. And that includes Batman and The Joker in Arkham City.

Princess Toadstool gets abducted every other Thursday, and yet the Mushroom Kingdom refuses to beef up security. And why would they when the Princess has her own personal bodyguard wrapped around her pinky finger?

Not only will Mario journey across eight worlds and a special zone to save her, but she even has him picking up all the money he can carry before he gets to her. Her knight in shining overalls has defeated dinosaurs, dragons, ghosts, and aggressive agriculture to save his beloved. And what’s his reward for all of this effort? A kiss on the cheek.

The same kiss on the cheek his brother gets if he makes it to the final castle first.

It’s easy to see why Peach doesn’t share Mario’s romantic interest. Mario is short, chubby, and old enough to own a plumbing/construction/pizza company back in Brooklyn. Meanwhile, Peach is young, blonde, and doesn’t even look old enough to vote.

Of course, there might be another reason Peach doesn’t reciprocate Mario’s feelings. Perhaps someone else has snared the fair Princess’s heart. But who could it be?

Who else could it be, besides the only other person she spends the majority of her time with? He’s powerful. He’s dangerous. He’s royalty. And let’s be adults, we all know those Koopalings didn’t come from nowhere. Wendy even has her mother’s eyes.

Yet, Mario still can’t seem to take a hint.
“Hey, Peach. Want to go play tennis/golf/go karts?”
“Sure. Who else is going? Is Bowser coming?”

Sorry, Mario, but your Princess is in another castle.

—DrunkKnurd